9/28/2009
noone but me from URL @ 11:06 PM
What's that coming over the hill,
is it a monster, is it a Monster?
I hate it when i realise that my friends are being mistreated, or when assholes-of-people are being horrible to them or when they're just in pain. I hate it that they have to feel hurt, and on a selfish note, i hate it that most times i cannot do anything about it. I suppose its part of life though, these betrayals, disappointments, hurt, tears; they are, aren't they? & there's some greater reason for them all, but i still hate it all the same. Its the pathetic sucker in me haha.
I hate so much nowadays i realise, i'm becoming so judgemental and its turning me into such an angsty person. But dont worry, i wouldn't take it out on you unless we're close enough. (because i cannot afford, just as yet, to be bothered with people who don't matter) & on that note i just want to say that i'm extremely grateful for the few close friends that i have. Can't be bothered about being popular or high profile, or what people think about my friends; i have my friends and them plus my family and god mean the world to me and i'm grateful. I realise that i have these people who are not options to me, and to whom im a priority and im thankful that i have them to get me through life. I still think that all i can truly ever count on is myself, but im glad that i have these people behind me in case i forget that every once in awhile. :>
You know, my goal in life is to want to make a difference to people, no matter how small it might be. But i realise that when i open myself up to so many people and try to help everyone, i end up being trampled over. So i've closed up again & i care so much only for the people who matter, but i want to learn how to open up and be there for everyone else as well. I think detachment's the key, no? Maybe not, because if i'm detached then i wouldn't be able to connect emotionally on a level enough for me to want to make a difference. Hmmmm. I think i'll sort this out. It's definately something i want to make my life revolve around though, making a difference.
& It's amazing how someone who made a difference in your life can make you want to make a difference in so many others. How you meet someone with so much passion and dreams that despite the odds stacked up against you, you feel that you can too. I shall write sgt dhilshad a thank you note one day soon :)
For once i think i'm seeing clarity know. Today. After years of uncertainty and vagueness, I know what i want, i realise what's wrong with me and finding a way forward will be tough, but i know my end point and that's where it starts right? Okkaaaaaaay, if you've read till here i think you'd be quite freaked out but this is for me not for you. I hope you find what you want to do in life too, bye.
like your oldest friend,
just trust the voice within
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